Saturday, December 31, 2011

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Can't Blame This School

Parents have legitimate rights to complain and to make inquiries. But apparently the parents at this school went too far:

My parents didn't whine at the school when I didn't do my homework. Instead, I got an ass beating!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Money Down The Drain

All of this in 2011! The government just LOVES to piss away the taxpayers' money!

10. $764,825 for a study on how college students use cell phones and social media  [College students abuse cell phones and social media and then flunk out from lack of studying]

9. $136,555 for teachers to retrace Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in England

8. $55,660 on butter packaging

7. $606,000 for a study about online dating  [People need to figure out their own strategies for their own screwing parties]

6. $484,000 for a pizza restaurant

5. $48,700 towards the Second Annual Hawaii Chocolate Festival

4. $147,138 to build a magic museum

3. $96,000 on iPads for kindergarteners  [It took years for Mrs. AOW, a taxpayer, years to save up for my iPad.  I sure as hell was older than a kindergartener when I got MY iPad]

2. $175,587 for a study on the link between cocaine and the mating habits of quail  [Where are these coke-snorting quails?]

1. $130,987 for dragon robots  [What are these things?]

Details about each of the above points HERE.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!

When Mrs. AOW asked me, "What is your favorite Christmas carol?" I picked this one:

This evening, Mrs. AOW and I plan to go to her cousin's house to celebrate Christmas with food and gifts. And beer and wine, too. I hope that it doesn't snow because getting me out and about in the snow is impossible.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

My Christmas Miracle

It happened around midnight on Christmas Eve in 1993. I'll never forget that moment!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

"Jingle Bells"

Like Mrs. AOW, I love to hear Dean Martin sing. His version of "Jingle Bells" is smooth, just like good sippin' whiskey:

The perfect tune for the first official day of winter.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

And Most People Won't Know!

60 Minutes edited out Obama's boast from the show's broadcast on December 11, 2011:

I still can't believe that the American people elected this jerk with the middle name "Hussein"! Now he tells us that he's one of the best Presidents ever. Who believes THAT? Only a moron!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Teacher's Pet

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Out And About Today

Today, Mrs. AOW and I are going Christmas shopping at one of the big local malls.

We're biting the bullet and hiring a private handicapped taxi, so that I can take my own scooter to the mall and to save Mrs. AOW's back from having to push me around in a wheelchair. 

This area does have a paratransit service for the handicapped, but it left a friend and me stranded when we went to a gun show.  A horrible experience.  The paratransit service, I mean.

While at the mall, Mrs. AOW and I will also be eating at one of the restaurants there. I'm really looking forward to this outing!  Especially with Mrs. AOW. 

And I get another outing on Friday when one of the guys is taking me to the local VFW for a pool tournament.  There will be food, food, food.  And beer.

Mrs. AOW and I don't have a lot to buy on our shopping trip today. Our circle of friends is quite small since I had a stroke over two years ago.

We already got our wonderful neighbors their Christmas gift, thanks to Woodsterman. He made the walnut weedpot below to our specifications:

A unique gift that will look great in our neighbors' house! It's furnished with antiques, and our neighbors are partial to walnut.

Learn more about Woodsterman's work HERE and HERE.  Great stuff!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Ain't It The Truth!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity scene in the United States' capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for religious reasons. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the nation's capitol.

The search for a virgin continues.

However, there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Blue Collar Comedy Christmas

I always get a kick out of Larry the Cable Guy:

And here's one from Jeff Foxworthy:

I have a Mustang GT convertible, so I love that part of the song.

Most Christmases, Mrs. AOW does get me something Mustang related, even though I haven't driven since my stroke.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Glenn Beck Has This One Right

The woman took her pants off too many times, and now she wants somebody else to pay for her screwing parties:

Beck's money quote:
Lady. Did you have your pants off maybe too many times in your life? Is that possible? Is it possible? What are you out doing? What are your children out doing? I’d like to know. How many of them are even mowing somebody’s lawn? How many of them are actually out trying to take any job, any job? Not a good job. Any job. What is it you have done? Have you thought about birth control? Here’s an idea. Have you thought about marrying a man?

Have you thought about marrying a man or not having kids with a man who isn’t going to jail? Have you thought about, you know, maybe we should slow down on the sex thing? Accountable? I’m not accountable for your life. I am accountable for my life. I have been working my ass off, lady. What have you been doing?”

Friday, December 2, 2011

Judas Asparagus

(With thanks to Will, who emailed me the joke below)

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Cars And Music

I've owned two Lincoln Town Cars in my life. Neither of those big boats was a hot rod. Too bad.