Monday, January 2, 2012

Start The New Year With Laughter

A lady walks into a bar and tells a drunk sitting at the bar, "If you were my husband, I'd fix you a drink filled with poison."

The drunk replies, "Lady, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."


Brooke said...


Up early, eh?

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

Give me two!

Alexander Münch said...

Winston Churchill quotes

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

Another quotation attributed to Churchill is as follows:
Lady Astor - "If I were your wife, Sir Winston, I would poison your tea!"
Churchill - "If I were your husband, Lady Astor, I would drink it!"

Winston Churchill to Lady Astor
"Sir, you're drunk!"
"Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

The actual quote was:
"Sir, you're drunk"
"Madam, you're ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober"

-FJ said...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

-FJ said...

Credits to Rodney Dangerfield for all the above.

Mr. AOW said...

Thx! Those are great ones.

Mr. AOW said...

Churchill was a very wise man.

He knew what sh*ts Muslims were too.